December 2005

"...Mary pondered all these things in her heart." -Luke 2:19

Over the past five months, I have felt a deep affinity with Mary. Our son, Karsten Daniel, was born on June 27th, a surprising two weeks early. And that meant we weren't quite ready. No crib was set up and waiting when we got home (thought there was a cradle by our bed). No stockpile of diapers. No last minute cleaning. Just a sweet, needy baby and two very weary parents.

But God provided. My Tante Beth and my mother-in-law made the essential Target and grocery runs. Family and friends brought us food. Dan's sister Colleen and her husband Doug put up blinds in the nursery and helped us move in Karsten's furniture. Cousin Jesse let in the carpet installer (and kept our menagerie out of the the way).

Daniel was able to stay home with us for most of two weeks. He watched the baby while I rested. He made sure I ate enough. While I struggled with new-mom panic, he calmly changed diapers, spoke soothing words to me, and participated in all the elements of newborn care. Daniel is my solid ground.

Tante Beth was our birthing coach and my ongoing mommy mentor. She graced our arrival home with long-stemmed roses and a beautiful photo album of our first days with Karsten. She brought us dinner that evening. She came over and watched Karsten while I tried to get some sleep. She answered my frequent phone calls and numerous questions. She prayed for us constantly. To her family too we owe a debt of gratitude for sharing her with us so much and so graciously.

My mom came and stayed with us for five weeks over the course of the summer. She held my boy, fed him in the middle of the night, made sure I ate enough, bought us groceries, cooked dinner and was wonderful company. Mom helped hold us together during those first two months. This summer was precious to me in large part because of her presence. She helped lighten the load so that I could enjoy my son.

There were many others who also carried us. Susan, my step-mom, who came and stayed for a week-and-a-half, who walked the park with me almost daily, who fed Karsten when I was too tired to do so, who helped around the house and put meals together, who was good company. And there were the wonderful women who came and spent the night caring for Karsten so that we could get some sleep - Daniel's mom, Beth, Colleen and Kathy (Dan's sisters), Lydia and Laurie (two of my dear friends), and Abbie (my cousin who took care of our boy by candlelight during a power outage). Many people also brought us meals - Gra'mom and Grandad, our Garland small group, Dawn, my sister-in-law, Colleen and Dan's mom. My dad came for a long weekend and treated us to lots of takeout and napped with Karsten whenever possible.

So where was the pondering? In the midst of it all. After the fact. Now, this very moment. In anticipation of Advent.

Unlike Mary, I had a sanitary hospital in which to birth my son. My husband had family, nurses and a doctor to help with the birth itself. We had our very own home to take Karsten to. Our animals were fewer in number - 4 cats and a dog - though not by much. We had no concerns about enough food to eat.

But there were things Mary and I shared. The anticipation of holding a son. The newness of motherhood. The pain of childbirth. The soul-deep love for a child. The intimacy of breastfeeding. Attentive husbands. Animals. Lots of visitors (though I knew all of ours). God's amazing, breathtaking provision, often in unexpected forms. The profound weight of responsibility for a new life. A deeper awareness of God. The quiet moments of watchful love, where each new sound and expression is a wonder. Awe that God would entrust this little life to our keeping.

And I am beginning to understand what it is to love without reservation. I think I know now what Mary meant when she said, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." I want to have a heart willing to trust, willing to sacrifice, willing to serve, willing to love with one's entire being. God has a heart like that. He proved it long ago. He reminded me again this summer.

Pondering His many gifts with you,
-Kyrsten